I’m writing this email to you hoping you could light my way up and reply to this following message, in which I wrote to confess the overall incidents of going back to microdosing cannabis that I felt so down and ashamed of myself during a talk with my mom yesterday. I seriously have to reconsider my actions toward bringing myself to a clean state far away from cannabis. Even if I’m not using cannabis during my working hours, I still need to reconsider my actions. Even if I use it to hack my productivity apart from full-time employment. (no excuses)

This is part of the confession I’m writing. And yes, this is the second one in this series that I’m writing to send to you. I feel so guilty that I can’t even answer “yes” when my mom asks me if I still use it. Was it my fear or doubt that made me repeat the same thing? Where is the truth and respect I have for myself now? Can I get out of this vicious circle or am I stuck in it? How long? There must be a better state of sobriety somewhere out there. It is what I keep telling myself to believe in. I’m sorry for the smoke again; it was just at home last night and I got caught . Am I living my life too tense? Yes. Can I stand up for myself? Not really. Can I afford to live the way I do? Not at all. Will I be able to get a steady job as a result of chronic usage? Again, not at all. How could I learn how to live again? Could you please let me know when I might be able to take action on this? Boredom isn’t a problem for me anymore. More like, “How can I maximize the potential of my daily routine apart from letting cannabis slip in the way?

Besides that, everything is going well, and I’m in charge and committed to learning, doing, investigating, and reporting every week on a report that shows how the hotel management scheme is working. Everything that has happened in the last month has been good. As expected, I consistently demonstrated responsibility and dedication to both work and sports. I had a serious chat with my dad and mom, but I still get lost when I talk to them. It makes me feel more wary the more I think about the hidden ways people use weed. I know that what happened in the past wasn’t just because of this (that weed and drugs kill your brain), but also because people couldn’t share or talk to their families because I dove in deep and knew too much on a particular subject. If I don’t change how I tell other people what I believe, it will happen again, and one day it will be too late. I fully understand and accept that these two beliefs conflict during both work and rest periods. And both problems are critical, including the responsibility to keep promises. It won’t help to feel sorrow. I will work harder to stop using it and be clean for the rest of my life.

As you are aware, I no longer harbor resentment about expressing myself. In fact, I’m now in the best place to speak out and make my voice clearer so I can say anything I want to say, asking for vulnerability. I feel new and grumpy about this kind of assertive communication in which I consider both sides of an argument and decide which one I have to support. Middle Road is not for sale here. I’m having a good time overall but getting caught up with this microdosing (not regularly but occasionally). I felt so ashamed of myself for not consulting them before using this medication. I don’t have to hide it, but I did until they caught me out. My mom is tired of this repulsive behavior and my dad gives me “no words.” Such compulsive behavior is unacceptable. I am currently feeling quite frustrated with myself and wish to direct that energy toward working more, writing more, and filling my schedule with productive tasks.